Monday, July 27, 2009

Benefits of a Wal-Mart Economy

Benefits of a Wal-Mart Economy
What if Sam Walton were alive today? The Barnum and Bailey marketer of old would relish in the idea of being President. Who says good things don’t come out of Arkansas; the Fouke monster did or was that Bill Clinton?
Sam was known for his ability to buy at bargain basement prices. In the early days of Wal-Mart he would drive 100’s of miles in the middle of the night to find anything cheap- like underpaid employees. If he could buy liquidated merchandise, like checkered pants and sports coats, he would pay pennies on the dollar. He would then rush them back to his store before morning and use them as a promotional item to draw people in---mostly used car salesmen.
His marketing strategy was buy them cheap, sell them cheap, stack them deep. This way he could unload them on unsuspecting people quickly before they found out who he was. Okay, most people didn’t know that he once was a used car salesman. Used car salesmen are endowed with special abilities. They have a penchant for making the old and run down look like new and improved. This is how politicians came into being.
“Attention Wal Mart Shoppers”( and you thought it was K-Mart) Sam’s voice would boom over the PA system. “At the front of the store, next to the ladies bathroom, by the stock room, next to the garbage bin, pass grandma’s house, 2nd red-light past the curve, I have on sale checkered pants.” The Bible says Hell hath no fury, as a woman scorned. I would like to add used car salesman to that quote. Not letting a used car salesman to his checkered pants and sport coat is tantamount to taking their cigars away from them. How else could they sell cars?
Nonetheless, I believe that Sam Walton could have been just what this country needs right now---- an American. Not a hodge-podge American of questionable descent. We all know where Sam came from, the same place we all come from, our mother’s womb or at least most of us. Our current dictator, who is harboring political ambitions by acting as President of the US, has other ideas. He believes Universal Health Care administered by the US Government will solve the energy crisis. Everyone knows the government has energy, look at all the recesses they get. His idea on abortions are self serving, he wants to make sure his children have the opportunity to murder their children when they find themselves without their father, Michael Jackson. Ever heard of DNA? It’s a fact, 75% of black children born today are born out of wed lock or has no known father, but I think I found them-- in professional sports.
In the Wal- Mart economy Sam would reason that it’s better not to kill your babies. He was an educated man with a degree in advanced mathematics and knew that if more people lived, more people could come to Wal- Mart. They have a baby’s section. It makes perfect sense. If you have more people buying, more money would go into the economy after it passes through his bank account. This way, he could hire more illegal immigrants, which would attract more illegal immigrants and all of them could live in one house painted purple. This is why Mexicans swim the Rio Grande and risk their lives daily illegally entering the US. During Siesta’s back in Mexico, they tell the tales of a man named Sam, while they drink Tequila, eat worms, bust open piƱata’s and stop working for 4 hours. Sam knew this.
In the Wal-Mart economy Sam would solve the energy crisis overnight. We would have all the energy we would need plus surpluses surely to last until the next blue light special. He would tell OPEC that he is not paying more than $1 a barrel, take it or leave it. They would of course take it because government regulators could add $90 a barrel of taxes on top of it so they could vote themselves huge raises and appoint a Wal-Mart Czar to oversee discounting. In addition they could kick back the Saudi Royal family to raise up more home grown Al Qaeda to fly for Continental Airlines. “Good afternoon everyone,( using a thick Saudi accent), welcome aboard Continental Airlines. This is your captain, Ali Abba Dabba Dabba Do El Akbar Mohammed Siad , we should be arriving shortly at your FINAL destination.”
In the Wal- Mart economy, there would be no need for Universal Health Care. Wal-Mart has the largest pharmacy in the world. I’ve been there. The other night I had a headache and needed some aspirin. The greeter at the door foaming at the mouth who was an escapee from a nearby asylum, wearing clothes stolen off a homeless man, quickly was of no help. Politely I asked ‘it” for help in what aisle the aspirin was on. His answer was “do you want cheese and fries with that order?” Sensing that “it” was most likely a disturbed “it”, I decided to walk the 10 miles to the other side of the Super Store. Finally the oasis appeared unto me in aisle 2478. There he was--- Jimmy Hoffa, I thought the government, I mean the Mafia, killed him 30 years ago. I let Jimmy know the world is much different now than in his day and that he could possibly form a union for Al Qaeda pilots. I told him getting a job was difficult these days because all employers do a full background check to make sure you are not a white male.
In the Wal- Mart economy all unemployed 58 year old white males who are of natural origin and that can only speak English would be first in line for jobs at McDonalds. These valued jobs should not be withheld from the most deserving amongst us. Sam knew that if he were President and he didn’t make this happen, he would have to hire unemployed 58 year old white males, who would want more money and benefits than illegal immigrants who work for taco’s and live in the stock room. Sam was shrewd this way.
Where is Sam Walton when we need him?

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